Legolas' Politically Correct Christmas
by Jyuu
Summary: Legolas is sick of Christmas. Aliwa is a cute elf girl. Aragorn and Arwen are making out. Again. Can Legolas and Aliwa teach Rivendell about the wonders of being politically correct?


Here's a short LOTR fic, a Christmas 2002 present for Meiki/Anjiru18/Megan! Luv ya dear! ^-^ ((Okay, so this ended up getting to her when? ^^;;;)) For some odd reason it's really cool if you read this while listening to Pachbel's Canon. Go figure.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Outside the carolers start to sing  
  
I can't describe the joy they bring  
  
Cuz joy is something they don't bring me-  
  
My girlfriend is by my side  
  
Through the rough part hanging sickles of ice  
  
Their whiny voices get irritating  
  
It's Christmas time again  
  
So I stand with a dead smile on my face  
  
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste  
  
Oh G-d I hate these Satan's helpers  
  
And then I guess I must've snapped  
  
Because I grabbed the baseball bat  
  
And made them all run for shelter. . .  
  
It's Christmas time, again  
  
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand  
  
All year  
  
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer  
  
You people scare me  
  
Please stay away from my home  
  
If you don't wanna get me down  
  
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone  
  
  
  
Well, I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve  
  
Cuz the cops came and arrested me  
  
They had an unfair advantage  
  
And even though the jail didn't have a tree  
  
Christmas came and (can't figure out word- ends with "illy")  
  
Cuz a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn!)  
  
It's Christmas time, again  
  
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand  
  
All year  
  
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer  
  
You people scare me  
  
Please stay away from my home  
  
If you don't wanna get me down  
  
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . .  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . . please close my doors  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . . please close my doors  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . . please close my doors  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . . please close my doors  
  
I won't be home. . . I won't be home for Christmas. . . "  
  
-It's Christmas Time Again, Blink 182  
  
******  
  
Legolas was bored. And annoyed. All around Rivendell was Christmas-y stuff, and he was, quite frankly, sick of it! He didn't even know what it was, or how they managed to conjure up such a holiday! What was the use of it? Where did it come from? Aragorn had told him it was just a plot to get people to buy things. He was seriously getting tired of it all!  
  
"ARRGGHH!!! If I hear 'Jingle Bells' one more time I'm gonna scream!" the normally calm Legolas yelled. People in the crowded market around him stared. He got up. "Enough is enough- I'm complaining to Elrond!" And with that he stormed off to the palace, knocking over a donkey, an old lady, and a fruit stand on the way. The villagers just rolled their eyes and went on with their business. It was better to just let these things go sometimes. . .  
  
****  
  
Once inside Legolas ran swiftly down the halls, looking through each door to see if Elrond was in there. "Nope, bathroom, laundry room, Arwen and Aragorn making out, kitchen. . . where is he?!" He lifted his head up and screamed. "WHERE'S ELROND?!!!"  
  
An elf standing nearby shakily pointed five feet in front of the enraged archer to a giant room. "R-right there, Mr. Legolas sir. . ." Legolas glared at him, for he was wearing a Santa hat, and the elf scampered off, terrified. "ELROND!!!"  
  
"What is it, Legolas?" the elf ruler asked, alarmed. Legolas opened his mouth to start a rant.  
  
"Oh by the way, don't you just love all the Christmas cheer? It brings me such joy to see all the little children singing the songs and helping decorate their houses!" Elrond beamed.  
  
"Yes, sire, but-"  
  
"Oh! Look! It's Aliwa!" Elrond bent down to a little elf girl's height. She had just ran in from playing in a garden. "This is Micar's daughter- he's visiting from some place called Amar, and wants to make peace with us. This little one here has been very influential, right sweetie?" Aliwa smiled shyly. "They were the ones who told us about Christmas in the first place! I'm so glad they did!" Elrond stood back up again. "Now what was it you wanted to say, Legolas?"  
  
"Erm. . . your daughter's making out with Aragorn again in that room over there-" Legolas pointed- "and I thought you might wanna know." He couldn't tell him to quit it with the Christmas stuff, he was really into it! Their countries' allegiance with Amar could depend on it!  
  
"ARWEN!!!" boomed Elrond, stampeding down the hall. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KISSING THAT MAN WHEN THERE ARE VISITORS IN THE CASTLE?!!!"  
  
Legolas, feeling a deep sense of defeat, slumped out of the castle. At least that b i t c h Arwen was getting in trouble. . .  
  
****  
  
Aliwa sighed. At only 10 years old she was forced to travel around Middle- Earth with her father, trying to gain as many allies as possible. She never had any friends because of her constant movement, and that made her quite lonely. She hid her sadness by being cute, her bright blue eyes always shining. Her hair was long and blonde, a popular style among Middle- Earthlings. She wore a simple green dress that swished around her ankles and was cut in a small "V" at the top. The sleeves were peasant-style, the fashion of the time, and Aliwa always wore pink flowers in her hair to top everything off.  
  
"Ria, why do Daddy and all the Rivendell people have to make such a big deal over Christmas?" the little girl asked the doll she was now playing with. The doll of course did not reply.  
  
"I just want a hairbrush and a new dress, I don't need an entire town to go crazy over it!" Again the doll said nothing.  
  
"I can't possibly tell anyone though, it would make them feel so bad because they all love it so much! When that Leg-of-lamb guy came in yelling something I had hoped he was getting tired of it. . .but I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it. There's only 5 more days of this anyway." She sighed and picked up the doll. Time to go see her father for dinner.  
  
****  
  
"Now what do I do?" Legolas asked his secret obsession, his teddy bear Beary. Whenever anything was on his mind he told Beary. "I can't disappoint that poor little girl, but I don't think I'll be able to stand this much longer! I wonder if any other towns have been hit by the Christmas wave? Amar is a popular country, I'm sure they've gotten to others. . ." The bear was silent. Legolas stood, fist clenched. He looked awfully sexy- a determined look on his face on a background of a waterfall, where he sat.  
  
"Beary, I've got to do something! For the sake of my sanity, and others!" He left the bear on a rock to think about his words as he ran off, on the trail of an idea.  
  
****  
  
"Gimli! GIMLI!!!" Legolas pounded on the dwarf's door the next morning. "Open up you lazy oaf!" The bearded little fellow looked at the elfish man sleepily.  
  
"Wha-Legolas? It's 5 o' clock in the mornin'!" he exclaimed. "What could you possibly want?"  
  
"Have the Misty Mountains((Is that where he lives?!)) been hit by the Christmas wave?" Legolas asked urgently.  
  
"Why yes, everyone's decked out in red and green! This nice fellow from Amar told us about it! Really nice people they got there, friendly as can be!" Legolas looked closer and discovered that the axe-wielding dwarf was wearing red and green reindeer pajamas! With footsies!!  
  
"No. . ." Legolas slumped down to the ground, a look of defeat on his face. "I'm too late. . ."  
  
"What 'er ya talking about?!" Gimli asked. "Yer confusin' me!"  
  
"This whole Christmas thing has gotten way out of hand, and quite frankly I'm sick of it! I've got to go warn the other countries!"  
  
"Are yeh outta yer mind? First off, it'd take DAYS to warn everyone! Secondly, some of us happen ta like this holiday! Just because ya don't like it doesn't mean others don't! Think of the children and stop being so selfish!" Gimli shut the door in Legolas' face and went back to bed.  
  
Legolas felt ashamed. Gimli was right- he was being selfish. Maybe he should just go home and wait it out. Sighing, he picked himself up and started towards his horse. Maybe on the ride home he'd think of something to ease his pain.  
  
*******  
  
"Aliwa dear, don't you just love Rivendell? Seems they have learned to love Christmas as much as we do!" King Mica, king of the Amarican people, bent his tall body down to his short daughter's height. He gave her a big hug and stood back up again to his 6'2" height. He looked even taller compared to Aliwa's 4'5". ((Eheheh. . .Standard measurements in a LOTR fic. . .))  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is my daughter Aliwa!" He picked her up and put her on his shoulders. "Aliwa, say hi, hun!" Aliwa waved shyly. The faces of the diners lit up at the adorable little girl and some people "aww-ed" softly.  
  
"She will be joining us for dinner tonight!" Mica continued, letting his daughter down and ushering her towards a chair on the right of his place at the chair opposite the head of the table. Elrond would be the man sitting across from him at the head, being the leader of the elves and all. Aliwa pulled herself up into the Elvish chair and put her napkin in her lap, smiling cutely. The noble men and women smiled warmly.  
  
*That's it, keep smiling. . . only a few more days of this. . .* Aliwa thought to herself. *Then I'll be free from this torture. . .*  
  
******  
  
Legolas was wandering outside the castle, back from his trip to the Misty Mountains, and looking rather ashamed. He had tried to ruin many nation's joy and happiness just so he could feel better.  
  
"What was I thinking? Why would I ever try to stop Christmas when all these people enjoy it so much?" he thought aloud.  
  
A door suddenly creaked shut behind him. The archer whirled around.  
  
"Who's there?"  
  
"S-sorry Mr. Leg-of-lamb sir, I didn't mean to disturb you!" a small voice squeaked.  
  
"Is that-Aliwa?" Legolas asked, dropping his fighting stance. "Oh! I am sorry for frightening you!" Aliwa stepped into a patch of moonlight, trembling.  
  
"I-I was just coming back from dinner! I didn't mean to hear anything, honest! But I ended up hearing you say you tried to stop Christmas!"  
  
"Oh boy." Legolas sighed and turned away. "It's nothing, forget about it."  
  
"But sir! I wanted to know if I could help you! I've grown awfully sick of it too!" Legolas looked back at the small elf girl.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I would like to see something different around here too! There's way too much Christmas stuff and I'm sick of it!" It was Legolas' turn to stutter.  
  
"Y-you are?"  
  
"Yes!" Aliwa replied.  
  
"But you were the one your father is doing it for!"  
  
"I know, and that's why I haven't said anything! I don't want to hurt him, or any of the people here!"  
  
"I'm just sick of it all, but I don't want to hurt everyone either. Everyone but you and me seems to love this stuff." Aliwa thought about that for a moment.  
  
"Well, Mr. Leg-of-lamb, why don't the two of us do something different then? By ourselves? I've heard of a few other holidays celebrated around this time, like Kwanzaa and Chanukkah! We could try those out!" Legolas smiled.  
  
"Why, that's a great idea, little Aliwa! How old are you?"  
  
"10 winters."  
  
"You're pretty bright for a 10-winter child!"  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Leg-of-lamb." Legolas chuckled.  
  
"Oh, and my name is Legolas, not Leg-of-lamb!" Aliwa blushed uncomfortably.  
  
"Sorry, Mr. Legolas!"  
  
"Don't worry about it.. What do you say we go get started on these holidays?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"We can go to the archives and look them up!" Legolas suggested. He pointed in a direction. "They're that way."  
  
"Kay!" Aliwa smiled cutely.  
  
Later, in the archives. . .  
  
Aliwa held up a candle as Legolas hunched over a scroll.  
  
"Okay, there are seven principles of Kwanzaa.  
  
UMOJA (UNITY) (oo-MOE-jah) - To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.  
  
KUJICHAGULIA (SELF DETERMINATION) (koo-jee-cha-goo-LEE-ah) - To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.  
  
UJIMA (COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY) (oo-JEE-mah) - To build and maintain our community together and to make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems and to solve them together.  
  
UJAMAA (COOPERATIVE ECONOMICS) (oo-JAH-mah) - To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit together from them.  
  
NIA (PURPOSE) (nee-AH) - To make as our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.  
  
KUUMBA (CREATIVITY) (koo-OOM-bah) - To do always as much as we can, in the way that we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than when we inherited it.  
  
IMANI (FAITH) (ee-MAH-nee) - To believe with all our hearts in our parents, our teachers, our leaders, our people and the righteousness and victory of our struggle."  
  
"Wow, that's pretty neat!" Aliwa commented after Legolas was done. He rubbed his eyes and stretched.  
  
"Yes, it is, isn't it. That was hard to find though, and hard to read. . ."  
  
"Yay! Let's check out Chanukkah now!" Legolas sighed.  
  
"Hoo boy. . ."  
  
Half an hour later Legolas read his notes to Aliwa.  
  
"Chanukkah is, the festival of lights! Instead of one day of presents we get eight crazy nights!"  
  
"Um, Mr. Legolas? That's the start of an Amarican song, by Aaron Samler."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Another half an hour later. . .  
  
"Okay, I don't think this is a song. . ." Legolas commented to a curled up, resting Aliwa on the floor. He wrinkled his nose.  
  
"I think that's a pretty dirty floor, Aliwa, I'd get up if I were you." The somewhat effeminate archer advised. Aliwa stared at him for a bit and got up.  
  
"Can you show me what you have?"  
  
"Sure. Chanukkah is a Jewish holiday to celebrate the two miracles that happened in 1600 B.C.E. ((I think it was then.)) A small band of Jews, called the Maccabees, revolted against an evil tyrant's rule over the land of Israel. They, with an army of just sticks and stones, somehow prevailed over a giant country's army that included elephants. That was the first miracle. They returned to their high temple only to find it destroyed and vandalized. Their "Eternal Light" was only barely glowing and their was only enough oil to keep it aflame for one day. But the second miracle happened- the oil lasted 8 days!"  
  
"That sounds cool too! Which one should we do?"  
  
"Why don't we do. . .all three! We could have a big town celebration so that these other holidays get some time to shine too!"  
  
"That's a great idea, Mr. Legolas! Let's get out of here and start telling everyone!" Aliwa exclaimed. Legolas put away the scrolls he was looking at and walked behind the running little girl who was headed towards the door.  
  
**********  
  
Christmas Eve. . .  
  
"Well, everything's ready!" stated Legolas, looking over the Rivendell town square where the elves had gathered upon his request. Aliwa nodded in agreement.  
  
"Let the celebrations begin!"  
  
With the crowd's cheers roaring in his ears Legolas pulled a string which made colorful confetti come out of a bunch of big balls. He stepped towards the center of the makeshift stage he was on.  
  
"Ladies and gentleman, we come here tonight to celebrate not one, not two, but 3 holidays! Christmas is not the only holiday out there! We've also got Kwanzaa and Chanukkah, so let's give them some time too!" The crowd looked on in confusion. "Aliwa, show them!"  
  
The elven girl walked onto the stage with a menorah in one of her hands. She set it down on a rock in the right corner of the stage. She walked off, came back with a kinara, and set it down in the left corner of the stage. She then joined Legolas in the middle of the stage with a Christmas tree in back of them.  
  
"Now, as you already know, this behind me is a Christmas tree, celebrating the holiday of Christmas." The crowd cheered. "To my right is a menorah celebrating Chanukkah." The crowd shrugged and cheered again. "And this over here is a kinara, for the holiday of Kwanzaa!" Aliwa said cutely. The crowd cheered even louder.  
  
"Jesus was the savior of the Christian people, which is why we have Christmas, to celebrate his birthday. The first harvests Kwanzaa celebrates are in the land of Africa, far, far away from here. Chanukkah celebrates the amazing victory the Jewish people of Israel, another land far away, won over an evil king."  
  
"These are all great holidays, and we should try our hardest to celebrate them all!" Aliwa announced. "So, in the spirit of goodness, we proclaim this day a day of celebration!" The crowd roared and Legolas pointed them towards tables stocked with food, drink, and beer. Gimli was the first in line for the beer and dwarves like him were right behind him. Merry and Pippin headed the line of Hobbits reaching for the sweets, and Faramir and the other men were eagerly fighting with the dwarves for beer. Aragorn was too busy to dive in the brawl with his fellow men, for he was making out with Arwen.  
  
"Elrond!" Legolas called. "Arwen and Aragorn are making out again!!"  
  
"YOUNG LADY WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!!"  
  
And all was well in the land.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
What ya think, Meiki? See! I got it out before 2003! BOOYAH!!!! (I sent it to her on New Year's Eve, but I didn't get this posted till January 6, 2003. ^^;) I'm really sorri to everyone, but it was a bit educational. GOMEN! GOMEN! GOMEN! 


End file.
